Forgiveness Is Conditioned On Repentance

Introduction

I don’t know about you, but just about every Christian resource I came across for most of my life taught that if you’re a Christian and someone wrongs you, you’re obligated to forgive them, no matter what. The main proof-text for this idea is Matthew 18:21-22.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. (ESV)

The standard of unconditional forgiveness and apology may have been societally workable when the culture of the U.S. was still overwhelmingly Christian, and so even non-Christian parents had the sense to teach their kids to do this sort of thing (e.g., the inclusion of “Say you’re SORRY when you HURT somebody” in this famous list of important things people learn in kindergarten that was written by a Unitarian Universalist). But we (or, depending on who’s reading this, I) live in post-Christian America, where most unbelieving parents don’t teach their kids this (or worse, teach a bastardized version of “eye for an eye”). Not to mention the mob mentality behind “Cancel Culture”, which does seem to get results (well, sometimes).

The frustrating result is that those people and their children typically don’t own up to their misbehavior, and it can be psychologically torturous to think, “Well, I forgave them and am correcting my behavior, but they forgave me and haven’t changed their behavior. This feels so one-sided.” It can even drive you to the point where you start seriously asking God, “Why should I keep apologizing to people if I never get an apology in return?”

Does God Command Christians to be Defenseless against the World?

It doesn’t help that major passages like Matthew 18:15-20 that explicitly speak of imposing consequences on those who wrong you (or passages like Ezekiel 3:17-21 that explicitly obligate someone to warn people about their sin) only apply with fellow believers. It makes you feel like you have no recourse with unbelievers except prayer and forgiveness, which are increasingly seeming not to work in our day. That, too, can lead you to question whether God is really giving you commands that help the situation at all.

But again, we live in post-Christian America, which is much more culturally-similar to the ancient Roman Empire that persecuted Christians for nearly 3 centuries (and then continued doing so through Roman Catholicism under the guise of “stamping out schismatics”). And in that cultural climate, Peter’s remarks are more necessary to heed than they were in Christian America:

For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. (1 Peter 2:20-23 ESV)

But how can we conscionably do that if it essentially means giving up any right to do anything that might have an impact on them? Don’t we want them to change for the better? Don’t we care about them and their salvation? If it’s a family member who’s wronging us repeatedly, shouldn’t we have some recourse that enables us to mend the relationship? And besides, doesn’t God obligate us to stick up for those who can’t stick up for themselves (e.g., Psalm 82:3, Proverbs 31:8-9, Isaiah 1:17, Galatians 6:2)–and by implication, ourselves when we are able?

“It Is Also Written…”

It’s funny how we often think we know what the Bible says on a certain topic, but overlook other passages that demonstrate the statements aren’t as absolute as we assume. I recall, way back when I was attending AWANA at Grace Bible Church in Elmhurst, Illinois, coming across a booklet that used Matthew 4:5-7 to lead into this point:

Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

7 Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” [quoting Deuteronomy 6:16]

(NIV, boldface added)

The booklet went on to go over a few hot-button issues in Christendom, titling the sections, “What Is ‘Also Written’ About [insert issue here]?” So, in that vein, let’s ask: What is “also written” about dealing with unbelievers who wrong us (especially repeatedly)?

As it turns out, there IS a way that Jesus authorized us to substantially stick up for ourselves (or at least, the truth) and directly create potential for positive results when unbelievers sin against us, rather than just taking whatever unbelievers throw at us, walking away, or praying. You see, Luke records another account where Jesus talks about repeated forgiving, but uses significantly different language (underscoring the fact that this was a totally separate occasion than Matthew 18:15-22). And that passage holds the key to resolving this entire dilemma that Christian America has created for itself over the generations:

Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and IF HE REPENTS, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must [literally, “you shall”; future indicative, not imperative] forgive him. (Luke 17:3-4 ESV, boldface, underlining, and all-caps added)

Not only does this tell us that Christians are authorized to stick up for themselves by rebuking unbelievers who wrong them (which is to be done from a place of trying to correct their course¹–rather than just abusively vilifying them, which would fall under the word for “revile” in 1 Peter 2:23; see also 1 Corinthians 4:12), but all the underlined instances of “if” show that Jesus regarded forgiveness as something to be conditionally done. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING! If someone doesn’t repent upon wronging you and/or being rebuked for it, then Jesus doesn’t obligate you to forgive them!

Moreover, the fuller context of Matthew 18:21-22 shows that Jesus was using this standard there, as well. Consider the parable immediately following Jesus’ words in verse 22:

“Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents [a talent was equivalent to 6,000 denarii, and a denarius is a day’s wages; hence, 10,000 talents would be worth over 164,274 years’ wages!]. 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii [100 days’ wages], and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers {the Greek word properly refers to “one who elicits the truth by the use of the rack”}, until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:23-35 ESV, boldface and underlining added)

Jesus had introduced the use of debt as a metaphor for sin when teaching his disciples how to pray: “and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matthew 6:12 KJV) As I’m sure we all know, the usual phrasing in Catholic circles is “And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Each servant’s pleading for more time to pay their debt and promising to follow through would then correspond to genuine repentance. And the master’s response in verses 32-33 (underlined above) constitutes a rebuke. All these elements are present in Matthew 18; they’re just usually ignored for the sake of brevity (much to Christendom’s detriment).

Finally, this is consistent with how God forgives people in general: remember, repentance is one of the requirements to obtain salvation (Luke 13:3,5; Acts 2:37-38; 17:30)! If you won’t repent, then God won’t forgive your sins (and thus, the path for your salvation won’t be cleared)! So if someone wrongs you, and won’t repent of that, then they’re automatically not repenting toward God, either. And He will judge them accordingly–whether on the Day of the Lord, or at the Lake of Fire.

Likewise, Matthew 18:34 implies that forgiveness can be rescinded. This is consistent with God revoking His offer of forgiveness and salvation for someone who falls away from the Faith. So if an unrepentant person you previously forgave tries to guilt-trip you with “I thought you forgave me,” you have every Biblical right to say “I’ve taken it back because you obviously haven’t changed.”

Conclusion

This should take a lot of spiritual and psychological stress off most of my readers’ shoulders! Hopefully even enough to free up enough mental energy to follow Christ’s example and handle all the abuse & persecution in accordance with other passages–a skill that will become more and more vital as the apocalypse approaches. I recall a minister at the Brookfield Church of Christ saying that sometimes you need to pray to forgive people LOTS OF TIMES before it sinks in to the point where you’ve moved on. Now I know that unless and until the person repents of what they did, I don’t need to try to forgive them AT ALL! (And I generally find it easy to forgive people who display genuine repentance, so I’ll welcome them with open arms if they do!) That frees up my spiritual and psychological resources to deal with all the other trials and temptations that come my way in life and would overwhelm me otherwise.

I pray the same goes for you, dear reader.

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1. Notice that this can potentially enable Christians to turn wrongs from unbelievers into evangelism opportunities! People at the Brookfield Church of Christ have long told me that my best shot at exposing unbelievers to the truth is to “be a light for them with your lifestyle, and when they recognize that something’s different about you, want it for themselves, and ask you what it is, invite them to come here”. So it’s very refreshing to learn of a more immediate alternative other than seeking them out open-air-preaching style! (Plus, since such evangelism would be prompted by their misbehavior, I could rightly say if things go too far south that they were the instigator!) ↩︎